What is the difference between poor communication and good communication?
Poor Communication
- There is a steady flow of criticism and put downs or blaming.
- Neither partner feels cared for or listened to; each person is too busy defending themselves to see what the other needs.
- One or both partners get off the topic and are unable to find solutions. Instead of problem solving they may throw complaints and insults at their partner.
- There is an attempt to mind read, or analyze, as well as name-call, mock, roll eyes, insult, interrupt, and attack verbally.
- One or both partners is determined to not to “give in.” This might lead to one partner getting angry and eventually growing silent.
- One or both partners respond defensively to criticism; deny things, make excuses, call partner “emotional”.
- A partner might stonewall and not respond or tune out when fed up with attacks. Stone walling is an insult; it sends the message “you are not worth listening to”.
Good Communication
- There is a focus on the positives, what is going well, and the hopes for the future.
- Both partners try to stay calm, see the others point of view, show respect, and look for a compromise.
- Partners stay on topic, are specific about the problem, and find a solution both can accept.
- Both parties are respectful, listen, give empathy, and provide positive responses. They use “I messages” and do not use absolutes.
- Partners understand and forgive each other. Both give in about 75% of the time.
- Partners give criticism in a constructive way and respond to criticism as useful information—not as an insult. A little empathy works miracles.
- Both partners listen. You must listen to improve the relationship.
Watch this video and think about the coping mechanism this couple is using. Do you think they are setting themselves up for success as a couple?