Now that you have found time to be together let’s focus on learning how to talk to each other. This exercise will help you slow down and hear what your partner has to say. If you are uncomfortable doing this on your own you can do it with the therapist.
TO BEGIN:
Flip a coin with your partner. Whoever wins the flip will start. This person will talk for the first ten minutes.
TALKER:
There are two important rules for the person who is talking:
- Talk only about yourself, not about your partner. You can talk about memories, hopes, wants, dreams, etc. but do not analyze or speak for the other person.
- Use the full 10 minutes even if you run out of things to say. If you run out of things to say, use the time to think or just hang loose. Given enough time, other thoughts will come to mind that you can share. Remember that time spent in silence is not wasted.
Remember: When we share our feelings with others, we develop a connection. If you feel awkward or uncomfortable, remind yourself that you’re practicing something important.
LISTENER:
There are two essential rules for the person who is listening:
- No matter what is said by your partner, you shouldn’t say anything. There are no refutations, disagreements, agreements, clarifications, etc. Say absolutely nothing. Even if the person talking gets off track and starts talking about you, don’t correct them. Let them discover that fact and bring themselves back on topic.
- Use Good Listening Skills to show your interest in what your partner is saying. Be sure to maintain an open body posture and good eye contact.
SWITCH:
When the first 10-minute period is up, reverse roles. The person who originally talked now does the listening. The original listener now does the talking. The same rules apply. The second person should not comment on what the first person said. The talker should only be talking about him or herself.
After both of you have had a chance to be the talker and the listener, the activity is over. Do not try to immediately discuss what has been shared—wait at least three days.