“I messages” are a way to express angry or upset feelings without blaming or attacking others.
For example, you are listening to music in the living room. Your dad walks into the room, turns off your music, turns on the TV and sits down on the couch. One reaction might be to yell at your dad or to storm out of the room. If you choose to do this, your dad might get upset and you might get in trouble.
You could use an “I message” instead, such as, “I feel upset because you turned off my music without asking me.”
By stating how you feel in this situation – upset – your dad sees how his actions affected you. This leads to a better understanding of why you might be upset and is less likely to provoke Dad. You and your dad will likely have a more positive conversation.
An easy way to construct an “I message” is:
I feel [state feeling] when you [state problem behavior].
Examples:
The “usual” way: You never let me stay out as late as my friends!
“I Message”: I feel like you don’t trust me when you set my curfew earlier than my friends’ curfew.
The “usual” way: You never let me do anything!
“I Message”: I feel upset when you tell me I can’t do something.
You have learned about how “I messages” can help you communicate better. When you use “I messages”, other people are less likely to get angry with you, and they will also have a better idea of what is bothering you.
Below is a picture of Maya:
- The thought bubble shows what Maya is thinking and feeling.
- The speech balloon gives an example of what she might say.
Now you will meet five of Maya’s friends. All of her friends will all have a thought bubble that shows what they are thinking and feeling and a speech balloon that gives an example of what they might say.
Try this exercise!
Don’t forget to hit the check button and then the next button to get to the next question!
Using “I messages” helps people understand your thoughts and feelings. It takes some practice, but as Maya and her friends found out, it can really make a difference! Try using “I messages” with your friends and family and see what a difference it can make for you!